We’ve all been there, your best friend is dating someone you just don’t like. Maybe it’s their personality, their behavior, or maybe it’s just a gut feeling that something’s off. I’ve found myself in this situation a few times, and honestly, it never gets any easier. But over the years, I’ve learned a few things that might help you navigate this tricky scenario without causing friction in your friendship.
Figure Out Why You Dislike Them
The first thing you need to do is understand why you dislike your friend’s partner. Is it something specific that they’ve done? Do they treat your friend poorly, or is it just that you don’t personally click with them? I remember a time when my best friend started dating someone who I didn’t feel comfortable around. At first, I thought it was just a personality clash, but then I realized that my real issue was how dismissive they were towards my friend’s opinions. It’s important to differentiate between valid concerns and your personal preferences.
According to relationship expert Dr. Jess Carbino, “It’s natural to feel protective of a close friend, but it’s essential to separate your emotions from their relationship.” This really resonated with me because I realized that sometimes our protective instincts can cloud our perspective. Understanding where your feelings are coming from can help you decide whether it’s worth addressing or if you just need to give it time.
Keep Your Thoughts to Yourself (At Least at First)
I know it’s tempting to tell your friend exactly what you think of their partner, especially if you feel like they deserve better. But I’ve learned that sharing your negative opinions too soon can often backfire. I once made the mistake of telling a friend that I thought her boyfriend was bad for her, and it did not go well. She got defensive, and it ended up creating distance between us. Instead of feeling supported, she felt judged.
What I’ve learned since then is that it’s usually better to hold off on voicing your concerns unless you see clear signs of harm or abuse. Instead, focus on supporting your friend. Be there for them, listen to them, and let them know that you’re always in their corner. The reality is that most people need to come to their own conclusions about their relationships, and pushing your opinion on them too soon can make them shut down.
Ask Questions That Encourage Reflection
One of the best ways to help your friend without overstepping is to ask open-ended questions that encourage them to reflect on their relationship. Instead of saying, “I don’t think they’re right for you,” try asking, “How do you feel when you’re with them?” or “Do you feel supported in this relationship?” These kinds of questions can help your friend think critically about their situation without feeling attacked or judged.
I remember when a close friend of mine was dating someone I really didn’t like. Rather than telling her outright how I felt, I asked her how she felt about certain behaviors I had noticed. Over time, she began to see some of the issues for herself, and eventually, she made her own decision to leave the relationship. It wasn’t because I told her to—it was because she realized it on her own terms.
Share Your Experience Without Making It About You
There’s something powerful about sharing your own experience, but it’s important not to dominate the conversation. When my friend was in a relationship that I thought wasn’t good for her, I shared a story about a similar experience I had. I kept it brief and made sure to bring the focus back to her. I said something like, “That was my experience, but what do you think is right for you?” This way, I offered insight without making it all about me.
Sharing your experiences can help your friend feel less alone, but always make sure that the focus stays on them. It’s their relationship, after all, and they need to feel empowered to make their own choices.
Avoid Being Judgmental
It’s easy to be critical, especially when you think your friend deserves better. But being judgmental will only push your friend away. I learned this the hard way when I made a snide comment about my friend’s partner, and it led to her pulling away from me. Instead of saying something like, “They’re clearly not right for you,” try framing your concerns more gently. You could say, “I’ve noticed you seem a bit down after spending time with them—how does that make you feel?”
When I shifted my approach to be more empathetic, my friend felt more comfortable opening up to me. Eventually, she realized on her own that the relationship wasn’t right for her, and I was able to be there for her without creating unnecessary tension.
Respect Their Choice
At the end of the day, it’s your friend’s relationship, not yours. They have to make their own choices, even if those choices aren’t what you would want for them. I’ve had moments where I wanted to shake my friend and say, “Why can’t you see what I see?” But I’ve learned that people need to come to their own realizations in their own time. Dr. Carbino says, “Your role is to provide support, not to dictate what someone should do.” That’s something I remind myself of constantly.
Once, a friend chose to stay in a relationship that I thought was clearly unhealthy. I wanted to tell her she was making a mistake, but instead, I chose to respect her decision. I let her know that I would be there no matter what, and that made all the difference. She later told me that my support meant everything to her, even though I didn’t agree with her choice. That experience taught me that sometimes being a good friend means putting your own opinions aside.
Set Boundaries for Your Own Well-Being
It’s also important to remember that you’re not your friend’s therapist. There have been times when I’ve found myself feeling overwhelmed by the emotional toll of my friend’s relationship drama. It’s okay to set boundaries and take care of your own mental health too. I’ve learned to say things like, “I’m here for you, but I think this might be something a professional could help you with too.” This doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your friend; it just means you’re recognizing your own limits.
Be There, But Let Them Lead
Giving advice about your friend’s relationship is always going to be a delicate balance. You want to protect them, but you also need to respect their autonomy. The key is to be there for them, to listen, to ask the right questions, and to share your experiences without making it about you. Most importantly, it’s about showing them that you’re in their corner, no matter what.
The next time you find yourself disliking your best friend’s partner, remember that it’s not about trying to control their decisions. It’s about being a supportive presence, helping them see their own worth, and trusting that they will make the right choice when they’re ready. And if they don’t? Be there to catch them if they fall, because that’s what friends are for.
